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Communication Problems In Relationships: The Cause and The Cure

Communication problems must be amongst the most common complaints anyone makes about their relationship. What is going wrong?

Since you presumably have language in common, communication problems in relationships are not caused by shortage of vocabulary. In fact, it's an ironic thought that more words are exchanged in trying to sort out communication problems than at most other times in the lifetime of a relationship!

Communication problems in relationships almost always come from a clash of values. One partner values safety and security, the other takes risks. Or one is liberated in the bedroom, whilst the other is prudish and shy. It could be said that, on a grander scale, it isn't only relationships that suffer with this kind of communication problem: nations and cultures do too. It's the root cause of all war!

So here we are at an interesting point. If we can come up with a solution to communication problems in relationships, we have the seeds of a formula for world peace too! Let's have a go, shall we?

Imagine you are walking in a forest in spring time. You notice amongst a field of bluebells a wild red rose is growing. Now stretch your imagination a little, and suppose you can overhear some bluebells talking about the rose.

"Isn't he ugly?" comments a forthright bluebell. "Tall, with that disgusting red face..."

"Yes," says a second bluebell, "and have you seen those thorns? Well! I ask you..."

You get the picture, and perhaps a little smile too. What a ridiculous idea that a rose is ugly for not being a bluebell! Both are beautiful, and each is unique too. From our human perspective it's easy to see the beauty in both, and to enjoy the differences between the two species of plants.

Have I strayed from solving communication problems in relationships? No, I haven't. The key is to get interested in each other's differences. I don't have the slightest idea, for example, what drives someone to go fishing - it would bore me beyond words and besides I don't like the taste of fish. But I fully accept that millions of people get a lot of pleasure from fishing as a hobby. Should I condemn fishing as an activity because I don't like it? Even if my partner was keen on it? Surely, it would be far better to just get interested in her fascination. It doesn't mean I have to go on fishing trips with her, though!

There is a vital key here. There is one belief, one fundamental value that you should share before you get embroiled in a relationship with anyone. Agree that the only thing that matters is your personal happiness. And then both of you should agree that your focus will be on helping each other to achieve that until death do you part.

If you give that, rather than seeing or feeling that the person is your opponent, she or he will always be your partner in your feeling good. And you will be his or hers. If you share that simple value system, you will never, ever have communication problems in relationships again. And maybe we'd have the beginning of world peace too.

Trevor Emdon is a self improvement author, life coach and workshop leader. He is a trained mental health professional & NLP practitioner. For advice, free articles and more about heartbreak recovery, visit his website www.trust-in-relationships.com

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